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Being the "Better Person"

By Purple Pen

How many times have you heard someone say "You just have to be the better person". Maybe you've even said it to someone yourself.

I know that this is supposed to be the "righteous" and "proper" way to live our lives, but I challenge the notion. I challenge the very concept of "turning the other cheek". Don't get me wrong, I do believe that there are SOME times when this tactic actually works, but the rest of the time it just puts you in a bad situation. A situation where you have just enabled the other person to walk all over you. A situation where you have said "Go ahead, do what you will because I will smile and take it. I'm a sucker. Walk all over me because I am the BETTER PERSON."

I'm not doing it anymore. You can live your life that way, but me, I'm not turning the other cheek. I'm adopting the "live and let live" way of life - on my terms. I will live my life, and you can live yours - somewhere else.

Here's where it begins.

My mother has been a drunk and abusive person my entire life. She is sober now for something like 12 or 13 years. For a large portion of my late teenage and early adulthood I did not have any contact with her. I lived my life in relative peace and harmony. As I neared the approach of a relationship that was heading for a wedding, I decided to try to give her an opportunity to be included in my life.

The beginning was seemingly nice. She offered a half-assed apology for the abuse and addiction, and I half-assed accepted it. She continued on with the appearance to all those around me as if she was just the nicest person in the whole wide world, all the while "picking" at me piece by piece. Getting in her little nudges with her well hidden put downs. No one around me (even my husband) really noticed what she was doing then (they do now). I let it continue because I thought maybe I was being too judgmental because of her past issues.

In comes my newborn baby. My mother gave me grief for nursing her. She gave me more grief for only using organic and natural products. She picked at anything she could. All the while, my mother only saw my daughter a total of 3 times in the first 6 months she was born (she lives 20 minutes away). She gave excuse after excuse of why she couldn't come and when she did come, she wouldn't pick her up because suddenly she's decided to be a germaphobe.

As my daughter has grown (she's 2 1/2 now) my mother has made numerous "dates" to come see her, canceling 90% of them, many with no notice at all. I would stay here and wait for her and she wouldn't come. Days when I could have taken my daughter food shopping or to the park or children's museum. If my daughter was old enough to understand, she'd wonder why (that) grandma never comes. How would that break her heart?

My mother has never done anything wrong directly to my daughter, besides standing her up on a constant basis. But when do I let it happen? Soon she will be old enough to get it.

Now, my daughter has a very tight schedule. She has her breakfast within the same hour each morning, lunch within the same hour and supper within the same hour. She takes a nap every afternoon shortly after lunch at the same time everyday also. We have found then when she misses her nap or gets far off schedule that she becomes a complete terror like many other schedule oriented children - however, she has another far more serious problem than that. When she gets far off schedule and especially when she misses her nap she has an eczema flare up that will sometimes take 2 weeks to clear and unfortunately when it's bad enough we have to use steroid creams to get rid of it. Naturally this compels me to keep her on a schedule that keeps her healthy and me sane. I do not like anyone to come and visit her after 11am (unless it's later in the day) because I want them to have enough time to visit her before she has to calm down for lunch and nap time. No one has a problem with this except my mother. She says it doesn't work for her schedule (she doesn't work) and it's stupid because as a baby I never needed a schedule. So on the days that she does show up, she would sometimes come at 11:30am or even later, not caring at all about the end result.

Meanwhile, while I'm enduring the stress of the effects on my daughter, my mother tells me things like "You're a horrible child" and other abusive comments.

In the latest event of things I have finally decided to cut her off. I do not benefit from interacting with her and neither will my daughter. She has been nothing but stress for this household. She has been told not to call, come or email. With that, suddenly she cares about seeing my daughter and claims that she will make me pay for keeping her away. She says that she will publicly ruin me (yes, okay, how?) and she'll make me wish my life was over. She claims that all gloves are off. I have saved every email and every voice mail from her. I intend to use them in court if I have to. I have made sure that my will has been changed to make clear that I do not want her to have contact with my daughter, so my husband doesn't have to try to defend himself against the attack she would no doubt bring if I died. I have also let every friend and neighbor know that if something happens to me, please tell the police to check my mother.

So my bottom line here, I still have a family member who says I should be the better person. My mother doesn't know any other way to be. That's just how she is and she loves that grand-baby so you should just suck it up and let her see her. Maybe you could arrange visitation through someone else so you don't have to see her. I say no. Her abuse of me should not be ignored and passed off. What example am I making for my daughter if I allow it to continue. My daughter will not be raised as a victim.

What do you think?

I hope you stick to your guns about turning the other cheek. It might be what the Christians have made of a throw away line by Jesus as reported by someone 300 odd years later, but the teachings of Jesus are to love thy neighbour as thyself.

To do this is very easy - you simply ensure that your neighbour returns the compliment. From your story, your mother has never even been in the same world, let alone a neighbour! People are often inherently nasty. They covet and envy what others have. Mothers and fathers are often accused of trying to live their lives through their children - when they can't do that, they create a campaign of destructive manifest envy.

Pity your mother by all means but give her a simple message - "Keep the hell away from me and my family".

Your mother HAS done direct wrong to your daughter. She has taught her that adults LIE, LIE and LIE again. She has taught her that you are of little consequence to her. She has taught her malice.

If necessary, to protect your family, make an official report and obtain an exclusion order against your mother before SHE carries out her threat. Believe me, malice is a severe affliction that needs to be excised and against which you MUST SEEK PROTECTION!

I'm right there with you - I've kept all evidence against her, and if she makes any contact I will file a police report. At that point I will have the ability to go to the courts and officially keep her away.

I feel I am being the "better person" by protecting my family and myself from her. I love my daughter more than anything and I will not let her suffer the same fate as I have.

Thanks for your words!

Being the "better person" should not and does not mean giving another person license to walk all over you.

You can forgive your mom for her abuse. Forgiving is liberating to your heart, mind, and soul. But forgiveness does not mean that you need to put up with her abuse.

You're absolutely right.

And you know, I seem to have less headaches, less stress and better sleep now.

It sounds to me like your mother is so bothered that you choose to raise your child differently because she sees that itself as an attack on the way she raised you. Talk about self-absorbed! When someone is toxic, you have no choice but to stay away and protect your children. Good for you. I'm sorry your mom has not been capable of self-examination :(. There IS a difference between turning the other cheek and becoming someone's punching bag. You aren't getting "revenge", you are protecting yourself and your family. Good for you!

Meanwhile she claims that she is "holier-than-thou" because she's in recovery and goes to meetings, so that makes her all-knowing and perfect. She uses sobriety as an excuse even more than she used drinking as one.

Self-absorbed is her middle name, I'm sure of it.

Thank goodness I came out a bit different. No one ever believes I'm hers. There's even a rumor that she "mothered" me to cover for her even younger sister, because I'm much more like her. Too bad it's not true.

Sometimes I have to wonder why people like your mother have children in the first place.

roflmao!

That's been a long standing joke in and out of the family for years! It's an easy answer though, because EVERYTHING that she does is for attention. She was a VERY young teen when she had me, while drinking and running with a "bad boy".

If you were ever in a room when she enters, you'd see it right away - the tornado that sweeps in saying "look at me" "pay attention to me"

I'm still laughing at your comment while I'm answering, because this is the entire reason for her existence. She thrives on attention and chaos. All the while "knowing" she better than you, because look at how you give her exactly what she wants by paying attention to her. I, on the other hand, prefer people to only pay attention to me when I have something to say and they value what I have to say - otherwise I prefer to be left alone, it's much more peaceful.

I agree with all the comments above (yes, even theoldcoot); but I would add one thing: Leave the door open for future contact with your mother. It may give her just the incentive she needs to clean up her act and change. My wife had a very bad relation with her mother and they eventually reconciled.

This time I can't allow the door to be left open. Her last opportunity to make a change was this time. I'm too old for this and it reeks havoc on my health. Unfortunately for her she needs to find someone else to beat up mentally.

This is so very sad. I had such a wonderful childhood and all the love a child needs. Unfortunately my mother died at a young age. My father lived to be 94 and he took over where mum left off and with much love I was raised. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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